What Am I Doing Here? Jump Off the Train?

           I was recently listening to the radio and "I Do" by Susie Suh came on. One line stayed with me for a long time. As you can guess, it was "I don't know, what am I doing here?" It is a love song, but I didn't feel the love behind it, rather it brought me anxiety. I recently declared my major. Usually people are happy and excited to finally "discover" their passions in a certain area of academia, but to me this meant reality is much closer. Unlike other liberal arts students, or the perceived image of one, I didn't come to some sort of revelation, or have an enlightening "ah-ha" moment: I just chose the most rational and realistic major for me. This is because I came to a revelation years ago, where I realized that I have responsibilities. I never understood how people can just take time off and "discover themselves." In some aspect I was also jealous. If I was not moving forward, then that meant I was moving backwards. Time doesn't stop for you; thus, this prevented me from going to explore myself.

       You're probably thinking: "Wow, this person needs to chill. One year does not make that big of a difference." I totally agree with you. In the grand scheme of time, one year may not really make a difference, and life might be much better if I take that time and do something meaningful and fun, but the problem is I don't know what would be meaningful, and it's hard to get off the train once it's on its way (prepare for an extended metaphor). Jumping off a moving train would hurt you more than if you just waited till the train stops at the destination. I'm riding the train called education, and the destination is a degree(s) and open doors to the "real world."Once I step onto the platform, I will have to pick up all the knowledge and skills I have accumulated over the years and head into the work force. It's scary. There won't be anyone waiting at the end with a sign that says "welcome, I'm here to help you with all your needs," but I'll be on sturdy ground. If I jump off the train now, even with the intent of trying to get back on again, I would be doing myself a disservice. Jumping off can be associated with taking time off, dropping out of school, or not continuing further education (i.e grad school) when you intend to "sometime in the future." It is harder to get back on once you get off, especially when you're trying to get on a moving train, not to mention your bruises and broken bones from jumping off in the first place will hinder you. For example, if you drop out of school, then you would have wasted the tuition you paid for the first few years, which probably bruised your savings. Sure you'll have to get off eventually, but you have a clear path in mind at the end, whereas you have no idea where you'll land or how you'll land if you just forfeit in the middle and jump off.
           The only reason I would jump off now is if I think I will not make it to the end, and if I don't jump off then I'll suffer more (increasing debt, emotional trauma, ect), so I would rather take the calculated risk. But that's an extreme case I am not facing right now. What I'm trying to say is, I think one should stick with their plan till the end and not panic and forfeit in the middle, because it will hurt more. Even if the trip is getting difficult and it's no longer fun, the end will be worth it (given that you carefully picked your destination). Additionally, the alternative is not any better, so why not just stick with it.

So for all kids who are thinking of dropping out or taking time off: You better have a clear goal in mind that you will fight for and work hard toward (in which case you're jumping onto another train: train hopping anyone?), or else you'll end up broken with regret.    

NOTE: This metaphor does not work for everything. If the train is an abusive relationship, then yes, please jump off the train, in fact, hurl yourself off, because that train is headed toward agony, pain, and maybe even death, and you don't want to go there. Any alternative is better.