The Summer Romance

Part 2: The Summer Romance

You would think that the first experience was enough to turn me off from wanting to meet guys, but if anything it made me more determined. I also saw it as an outlier. In any case, I was over it in a week. The following week I was on Tinder. Part of me wanted to prove to myself that there were people out there that would be truly interested in me, and wanted to get to know me. July 4th rolled around, and I was getting ready to go upstate to spend the weekend with my cousin's family, but before I left I matched with someone on the app. I didn't think much of it. 

We started talked here and there, and eventually moved over to texting. I felt really comfortable talking to him, and we shared a similar sense of humor. We agreed to meet up and grab drinks after I return to Manhattan. Our first meeting was quite memorable. I was running late coming from work, and had to struggle to pass through a Black Lives Matter protest. It was cloudy and drizzling lightly. He was one of the first people I agreed to meet up in real life, so I was also nervous that he would be different from his profile. However, I knew it was him the moment I saw him waiting outside the cafe. It was awkward at first, like all first meetings. However, we spent a solid six hours together just talking and walking around. The good-bye was also shy and awkward. I had mixed feelings about the first meeting, but I was intrigued. We continued to text and meet up during the week as friends. By the third date I knew I liked him. I'm typically not a bold person, especially when it came to these things, but I was comfortable enough with him to say what I was feeling. We decided to start "dating" at the end of the 3rd date. 

At the time I was on a high. We both knew this thing, whatever it was, was going to end by the end of the summer when he had to return to school. Even though we only had a month and a half, I didn't care. I liked him. I wanted romance; I wanted someone to pamper; I wanted to look forward to seeing someone. I was much bubblier and bouncier than my usual self, or maybe he brought it out of me. I don't know. I was like a different person: Jenny on happy pills. It didn't matter that I was inexperienced or didn't know how to talk to guys, it all came so naturally. I didn't hold anything back, which was so unlike me because I'm very conservative with expressing feelings and emotions. Perhaps it was the time limit, or maybe I felt like I had to overcompensate. It was a good experience, and I had a lot of fun, even if we didn't end up together. 

The decision to stay together depends on the circumstances, more so than how much you like the other person. I believe long distance is difficult. In this case, it started out as a summer fling, and at the end of the day we couldn't shake off that mindset. I made some great memories, and I was very happy throughout our time together, and that's all that mattered.

A Tumultuous Start

Part 1: A Tumultuous Start

It's not an understatement when I say I'm a late bloomer. I attribute it to all the Disney movies, unrealistic Korean dramas, and my hopeless romantic nature. By the time I turned 21, I worried if it was weird that I had yet to have my first kiss. Like any single person in New York, I downloaded Tinder and proceeded to swipe. I was so shocked when I got my first match that I threw my phone onto my bed. I exchanged a few messages with people. I put thought into my responses but slowly realized that a lot of the guys were not interested in actually having a conversation. It was all so new to me, someone who either was too timid to speak to her crushes or held it in while chilling in the friend zone. The first person I tried to make plans with via Tinder was the catalyst, but he was not the person I ended up meeting that night.

I was feeling restless and lonely that night, so I responded when a guy messaged me on Tinder. He was the typical "looking for a hookup" dude, but I didn't know it at the time. He asked if I wanted to meet up at a bar at 10 pm (you're probably wondering how long I've lived under a rock. A very long time). It felt a little late, but I was excited because this was my first time being asked on a date, or what I perceived as a date. It became pretty clear that this guy had no intention of meeting when 9 pm rolled around and he hadn't confirmed the meeting. I had already dressed up and put makeup on. I mindlessly opened another app, WeChat, while hoping he would follow-up, but also wondering if perhaps he got hit by a yellow taxi and that's why he hasn't responded. New York taxis are pretty aggressive. I discovered a new function in WeChat that was not there before. Curiosity got the best of me, and I opened the "people around me" tab. Almost immediately a few people messaged me. It's pretty amazing how people can make anything into a hookup app. I got the typical "Hey" or "Hi." Some guys took it a step up and sent "Hey, your pretty." I didn't bother responding with "it's you're not your." Anyways, one person sent a cute sticker. I don't know what it was, probably because I was upset about the Tinder guy, but I responded. He was visiting New York with his dad, but he lived in Connecticut and worked as a software engineer at a hedge fund. I was intrigued. We agreed to meet on a street corner in midtown.

It was the end of May, and that night was pretty warm. I nervously waited next to the fountain, looking around to see if any of the guys were looking at me. I had one picture to go off of, so I didn't really know how he looked like. I know, I was so stupid. Still alive though! I was deep in thought when a guy approached me. First thought: "Oh thank God he's taller." Second thought: "He's not bad looking." I think he had the same thought because he looked visibly relieved. We exchanged greetings and then he immediately took my hand and started walking. I was pretty shocked because this was the first time someone held my hand in a non-platonic way. Remember, late bloomer. We walked around while he tried to find a bar. We eventually ended up at a bar near Times Square. We talked about work, our school days, and career goals, all the while getting happier and happier. Somewhere amidst all that he leaned in and planted one. I stared back at him with a stupid grin and blurted out, "that was my first kiss." He looked surprised and responded with something along the lines of "that's unexpected, but that's cute." My heart fluttered. We hung out until 3 in the morning at the waterfront. The next day we texted back and forth. I told him about my adventure at the MET and he told me about the things he saw with his dad.

He went back to Connecticut. Although we didn't see each other we consistently texted back and forth. He would message "Good Morning" and "Good Night" every day. I was always afraid to display any signs of liking someone, but affection seemed to come so naturally to him that it made me open up a little. I still had my reservations, but I began to like him more and more. Two weeks after meeting him I had to return to school for my graduation ceremony. I told my friends about him, and how much I'm beginning to like this guy, someone I virtually had no information about. My friends, being the caring and protective friends they are, were skeptical. In hindsight, all the sweet talk and flirting he did were all red flags, but I was wearing rose-colored glasses. I enjoyed my last hurrah as a college student but was excited to head back to New York. The guy and I talked about possibly meeting up the weekend after for coffee. That never happened.

It was mid-week when two of my close friends told me they wanted to talk to me over Skype. One of my friends was very good at digging up information about people online. Based off everything I told her about this guy, she managed to find his social media accounts. It turns out his name was different than the one he used, and the one I had been referring to him as. I was shocked, but I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. I calmly took the information and sat with it for half a day. The next day I confronted him. He was flustered and provided a lofty and evasive explanation about internet security. I told him that I wasn't angry (which I kind of was) but was rather disappointed that he felt justified to lie to me for three weeks. One of my friends later pointed out that it would have been an awkward conversation regardless. He shouldn't have lied in the first place. Maybe he had something to hide, but I wasn't about that life. So that was how my first experience ended. Rather disappointing, but from that, I learned that you are not responsible for other people's past experiences, their baggage, and certainly not their terrible behavior. You are allowed to cut someone out for lying, even if "everything else they said was true." Lastly, do your homework and check (not too extensively) that the information is accurate.

Love is Overrated, But I Still Hope

Intro: How it Began and Paused

It has been over a year since I moved to New York and attempted to live as a semi self-sufficient adult. I consider myself somewhat experienced in certain aspects of life, but very naive when it comes to others, notably in the law of attraction and dating. I want to be a cool girl; a savvy New Yorker who can navigate the casual dating scene without sappy, cheesy, unrealistic expectations. I thought I could.

I never saw myself as someone who liked playing with fire (I'm that one annoying friend who is super cautious and can always find a way to insert reality). You know you're going to get burned when you get too close, but the colors are so brilliant you itch to touch it.

Dating was never a large part of my life before graduating from college. I "liked" people, but never really did anything about it. Now without the distraction of homework, I wanted to explore that realm more. Granted, New York is a very difficult place for this. Everyone is transient and we are presented with so many options that it makes it hard to commit to even try committing.

So I told myself it's a matter of how much you get burned. You can carry a scar forever---one that time will fade but never completely heal, or you can be crippled by jumping in. I don't plan on getting so burned that I can't recover, but a little scarring? If that's the price to pay for playing with fire, then maybe it's worth it (I am more courageous when given hypothetical situations, and I'm prone to doing stupid things).

Long story short, it has been interesting. I'm still trying to parse through and process the key takeaways from all the experience I've gathered during this past year. Hence, I'm taking a break from actively dating to gather my thoughts. Hopefully I can share some insights with you.

Why it Might be Easier to Be Kind to Strangers

There's often an expectation that arises with people we interact with on a daily basis that isn't present with strangers. This expectation creates a burden, and the feelings of having an obligation diminish any desire to maintain kindness and consideration to those you were once close to, so the relationships often end when you feel overburdened and underappreciated.

The need to maintain consistency causes any care or concern to become fake because you don't actually want to (or have the capacity to) care as much anymore. Being forced to care will make any attempt to show concern come across as insincere. So, what should you do in such a case? Both parties need to evaluate their thinking and show more appreciation for each other. The best way to do this is through open and honest communication.

Liking Someone Too Much Will End Relationships

Have you ever heard of relationships failing because one person likes the other one too much? Is there even such thing as liking someone too much? Yes and it's often called infatuation. It is something that is particularly easy to catch when you're someone who fantasizes a lot. As someone who falls into that category, I blame it on the unrealistic portrayals of relationships we see every day in the media.

Fantasizing about situations causes a rift between reality and perceived reality, and can be very detrimental to relationships. Of course, there is a bit of this in every relationship, especially in the beginning. They call it the rose-colored glasses, or the honeymoon period. However, taking it to the extremes, and letting it fuel your infatuation is not good. You no longer like whoever you're with, but rather the idea of them. This is worse than dating someone because you like the idea of dating. At least you're not unfairly putting that person on a pedestal and forcing unrealistic expectations onto them, and then feeling terrible every time they fall short. Or maybe you do because those two things often come hand-in-hand. One day the infatuation will wear off and you will realize the person wasn't who you thought they were, and it wasn't because they tried to be someone else, but because you couldn't see them for them. This is why relationships where one person seems abnormally enamored will fail.

Sure, you can grow to like someone, but you pretty much go through a break-up when you wake up from your infatuation. You might even despise the person you're with, because they now stand in the place of the person you once, and still do, like so much, but didn't actually exist. Waking up feels terrible, but it paves the way for a much healthier and longer lasting relationship.

Ridiculous Things Seen on Dating Apps

I unabashedly admit that I used and am still occasionally using dating apps. This includes, but is not limited to, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, etc. Having seen a multitude of profiles, here are some things that I've seen on guy's bios that I don't quite agree with.

1. "You must eat as much as I do."

Um, what does my appetite have to do with how compatible we are? Unless you plan to participate in a couple's hot dog eating contest, I don't see why the size of my appetite matters. I get that some people really hate it when the girl only orders a salad or is very particular about their portion size. However, unless she limits what you eat, I don't think you should care how much she eats. Personally, I would feel extremely bloated and uncomfortable if I ate more than two slices of pizza, so no, I can't eat as much as you do, but I'm fine if we happen to eat the same amount.

2. "Is chill."

I'm chill. In fact, I'm the chillest person I know, depending on the day. My point is chilling is a state of mind, and states of mind change depending on the situation. Just like being happy. Would it make sense to say "you have to be happy, always, even if I eat all your ice-cream without permission." In any case, I learned that chill is just another code-word for non-exclusive, but it's apparently socially unacceptable to write non-exclusive, so guys have adopted the word "chill." Don't you wish people would just say what they mean?

3. "Dresses well."

I'm going to show up in sweatpants because that's my definition of well. K-thanks-bye.

Just like many people I know, I have a love-hate relationship with these apps. Love because it kills time and helps me fantasize about the dying thing called romance. I also hate (please see above).

I Want to Captivate You with My Mind

I want to captivate you with my mind.

I want you to want all of me, but what I want most is to captivate you with my mind.

I hope when you think of me, you think of our deep conversations. The ones that made you ponder your views of this world. I hope you remember the feeling of connection and enlightenment.  I hope you experienced the feeling of finally finding a kindred soul that understands your thoughts, even when those thoughts are half-formed and semi-coherent.

I want to hold an actual discourse rather than be forced to engage in small talk. I hope when you look into my eyes you see that I can offer so much more than just affection. I want you to crave the way I make you think. I want you to miss our banters. I do want an all-consuming love, but most of all, I want an intellectual companionship.